When he is married to mom.

Most Asian men, mainly the first born especially from an average (predominantly Indian) family is married to his mom.

I was engaged to one such more than a decade ago that gladly ended before I entered the hell on earth. This mother clung to him in desperation in everyway possible, basically sabotaging our relationship with her emotional blackmails and very clever manipulation. Oh yea, she put on the big act of welcoming me into the family in front of him while scheming what was her next course of action. Of course, they always had assistance as in the form of a sister, who pathetically compares what her brother has not done for her which he had done for me, even to the point of wanting the same clothings i wear , the jewelleries he bought for me though i held a job that helped me buy myself these things and she didnt even bother to hold down the job i helped get her. I am then and again amazed how these women are so well versed in the art of brainwashing and subtle suggestions of their sons from young as to deeply embed guilt and a sense of owing in their minds so that the sons will never abandon them for another woman. In most of these cases, the mothers are housewives or widows with no sense of self-worth, have husbands who care two hoots for them and have no real interests in their lives except cooking the sons' favorite dishes and displaying a sense of loyalty that grossly shames the basic human rights of others, meaning, the sons can commit murder and they will role on the floor sobbing their sons are innocent. And they probably had a mother in law who did the same to them, so it becomes a legacy actually. In this case, this guy went on to marry a more assertive girl (than me) who successfully weaned him of his bondage and migrated overseas, not before he came to see one last time to apologise for not being strong enough to stand up for us that time. Now the mother lives all alone in a huge house that her son had bought when we got engaged, having lost her husband early and the rest of the kids leaving home. Sad ending really.

After that short nightmare, i steered clear of such men but sometimes life happens. I ended up with another similar, only thing this time i thought i was wiser but ended up being duped into it. It started harmlessly enough. But the warning did come, jus in the case of the first situation, his own aunty warned me of his mom but i didnt take heed. In the second situation, his ex girlfriend gave me the sound, but this frail old lady and a supposedly innocent, caring demeanour at first cleverly masked what actually lay beneath the surface. As it unfolded, time and again, i was shocked and amazed how such negativities can be rolled into a form of human being. The subtlety at which she operated, injecting guilt and emotional blackmails when her son least realised it and using her so called 'old age and illness' as a leverage, she kept a nice cult family revolving in her little world, preaching family bond when actually it was all bondage in which she was master controller of it all. And her greatest achievement though, was on top of it all, she managed to come out of it looking like the helpless victim. Of course no one is actually 100% fooled. When i caught on to her act, she revealed her true colours and spat venom but of course he never got to witness it worse still he joined in the bandwagon on a false sense of returning loyalty. But by now, i learnt not to take these things personally. This are miserable souls trying to spread misery. In fact her own people came forward with some good advice, that she was the one who had messed him up in the first place. The effort in putting up with all the pettiness clings to me like a piece of dead skin that refuses to give away. The saddest part is when you find it so hard to bring yourself to respect a woman who does another woman injustice just so she can continue living in denials. But im not going to let this bother me, it is her karma whether she chooses to spend the last remaining years of her life in good will or bad intentions. It is her choice and ive made my choices not to dwell in it or be pulled into it. I have a life to live and small lives depending on me but sure as hell am not going to put up with any crap.

However to be fair there are great mothers too. I knew an exclassmate whose mom was such a gem. Though he was the first born and only son, she raised him well as a man. Being a widow, she didnt dwell in self pity but kept herself busy with church activities and glowed with light and positivity. She made sure her son treated women like ladies and she was loyal to her kind first before she was a mother to her son. Meaning, she always made sure her son respected women and she stood up for other women even if it was her son who may hv wronged them. Blessed is the woman who ends up with him. That's life.



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