Bipolar disorder is not uncommon. Around 1-1.5% (1 in 100) of the population in both Britain and the United States have the condition at any time. Men and women are affected in equal proportions.
It is not always easy to know how to deal with a bipolarparent/family member. You need to remain understanding and patient with your parent. It is also important to seek help to ensure you are not also bipolar which is a high probability.
A manic episode common symptoms include:
• No interest in sleep or sleeping less
• Undertaking more 'goal directed behaviour' e.g. activities with a purpose in mind such as making business calls, doing home improvements etc
• Increased sociability
• Thoughts start to race
• Irritable
• Increased optimism
• Over excitable and restless
• Spending too much money
• Increased self-esteem
• Loss of interest in food
LOTS OF LYING TO CONTROL, COVER UP AND MANIPULATE
The most reliable predictors of a forthcoming manic episode were found to be a lack of interest in sleep and taking on more goal-oriented behaviour. Friends and relatives should be on the alert for these symptoms.
Symptoms commonly experienced prior to a depressive episode included:
• Loss of interest in activity or people
• Not able to put worries or anxieties aside
• Interrupted sleep
• Feeling sad or want cry
• Low motivation
• Cannot get out of bed
• Negative thinking
• Feeling tired
• Disinterest in food
LOTS OF LYING TO CONTROL, COVER UP AND MANIPULATE and if that fails, EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILS
Some people with bipolar disorder comment that the experience of being high has caused damage to their relationships. Apart from being more irritable, part of the nature of being high is to be more expansive in mood, more distractible and more sociable.Clinical professionals can have a role in the rebuilding of relationships placed under strain, helping families to be educated about the symptoms of the illness so that they do not perceive the behaviour of their friend or relative when ill as being malicious or lazy. When the person with bipolar disorder is well, it may be helpful to try to clear up any misunderstandings and mend any ill feelings that might have arisen.
Some families can remain resentful over the behaviour of their relative, despite an explanation of the illness. In these circumstances, family meeting can be called for with professionals to facilitate a frank discussion of feelings. Particularly the meaning associated with being on long term medication should be explored within the family.
Issues with children can be complicated. If the illness started later in life, the children of someone with bipolar disorder may remember what their parent is usually like and can easily identify behaviour that may be the result of the illness. However, it can be more difficult for children to differentiate such behaviour from 'normal' behaviour if their parent has few periods without symptoms. Here it may be useful for the other parent to educate the children about the illness. Understand and moral support from extended families can be of tremendous help.
These above are just observations from so called experts. But you and i know that it is more than that. Living with it is a reality far more shall i say, MORE than what you read about.
On a personal note, life has been really challenging for me.
First of all be prepared to deal with some fear issues yourself when you are raised by a BP parent or a parent with any other irrational fears for the matter, OCD, Panic attacks, social anxieties... etc. I developed social anxiety at puberty and life has been a rocky journey. And it is not helped by worsening symptoms of your already self-suffering parent because the symptoms metamorphose into other fears like panic attack and physical symptoms such as 'false heart attacks', nerve disorders and even skin related, if left undealt with. And the first thing it will affect is your social interaction with people around you. You realise what you may think is 'proper' to say might turn out to be 'offensive', 'insensitive' and even an insult to an average person.
Because of this 'delusional' state, I have seen my parent go through one relationship/friendship and how that finally meets a premature end. Though she keeps them hidden but eventually it all comes undone. Even my relations are affected because anyone who is on good terms with me is another control issue. She always has a paranoia of people talking about her and 'teaming' up against her. Which is strange really because when you go around trampling on people's emotions carelessly and deny your accountability for it, what else can you expect? The average person is not going to know that it is the bipolar in you that makes you act that way. They are just going to look at you as a mean selfish person. I guess you can say that is karma working at a very close proximity.
Everyday is another unpredictable day. The outbursts are sudden and irrational. Needs no reason or provocations. Just when you are thinking your day is going to be good, you get a phone call or some issues are picked on. Imagined grievances, illogical interpretations of incidents 50 years ago. It is a cycle. A period of manic and a period of depressive.
It is always about how the 'others' hurt her and never about how she hurt others. It can be selfishness at extreme end. When she is down, she wants the whole world to go down with her.
In fact if there is such a thing of a life purpose or lesson in this life for me is for me to have some understanding and acceptance of my parent's condition. Talking to her has not helped because she has a big stigma on mental issues and launches huge emotional blackmail attacks as a denial mechanism. Ironically DENIAL of their issues is the main symptoms of BP. And in my parent's case it is a tbsp OCD and a cup of panic attack thrown into her mental soup as well.
The LIES though are the hardest to deal with. Be prepared to deal with bizarre lies, twists and turns of situations. Maybe someone said something good but she can turned it around and make it something truly insulting and humiliating for you. She has denied that i have ever helped her financially till i threatened to bring out the bank statements. But she claims instead she had done great sacrifices on her part. There is nothing like a bipolar family member to bring the whole family relation to its breaking point.
There will be plenty of manipulations, again because she needs to cover her issues and control the others. It is British 'divide and rule' at its worst. She will claim to be the victim though. All the time. Plus they can be great actors to cover up and appear otherwise. Which means they are aware of their issues but just continue to deny it stubbornly.
Though not surprisingly she might be the one who started the whole brawl by manipulating some issues between other family members and will take an almost sadistic pleasure in watching the chaos break loose around her because at last, she can rest in comfort because the chaos in her has found its company.
Bizarre lies, outrageous lies, total untruths... what have you nots. Be prepared to find yourself reeling!!
eg Like once i heard her talking to one of my in laws on how she used to drive me all the way to send me to a city 4 hours away all the time (for my higher schooling) and returning home alone when not even ONCE she did that!!!! In 4 years i was there, she made the journey 3 times only, that too with someone else driving or accompanying her. One to send me, once because she had something to do there and once after i had left school and started working and i took her around in a cab and paid for it. When i confronted her she said i dont remember everything (sacrifices) she does for me. That goes back to me being ungrateful, remember? But perhaps my witnesses may remember, i told her. Next day she ended her visit to my house prematurely and didn't contact me for 2 months.
Maybe the lies take on a delusion of their own that she herself starts believing in them. Which is sad and almost schizophrenic
eg once she told a family member that i had never sent her any money when i was banking in 200 every month the moment i got my salary. When i confronted her she denied it too till i told her to print out her bank statement, she just went into her room and slammed the door shut.
It helps to point out the reality to her now and then and i pray it may breakthrough the delusions and denial wall around her.
In my case, it is complicatedly further by having to raise a young child amidst all these madness and be aware every single waking second of your life so not to let it affect her as well. The verbal abuses, the put downs, the let downs.. she psyches my daughter sometimes to think the less of me.
This is so because by painting me bad as my life at a point did take a downfall, she feels she can escape her inadequacies of having been an 'absent' and 'unaccountable' parent my whole life. She has the tendency to play up my failures than my achievements. And she does that to everyone she finds a grievance with. It can be really mean, petty and manipulative. Especially when she hides it from people most of the time but pretending to care the most. But i was lucky because i think the universe was on my side. The puzzle called MY LIFE slowly came together as i started taking control of my life. I think it is also age and experience that helps you to clear the smoke and the screen.
Soul searching helped me a lot. And learning to rely on the strength in me severed any need of approval from a parent, in my case would be impossible.
Remember the condition may rob them off their capacity to care or love at all. So if you are expecting loyalty and TLC, you better learn to find it in yourself and not take it personally if your parent doesn't appear to love you at all or may act against that.
I think it is their attempt to disconnect from something they feel they are not capable of providing for themselves or others anymore.
(In far worst cases, a BP has carved a neck of her 2 year old and left her to die- i was horrified to read this because it means they have no idea how much pain they are causing.)
And to add salt to injury, i am stuck in a 'mafia' family structure where none of her siblings have the guts to confront her, she being the eldest sister and all. Instead they play up to her to get her affections. I cant blame them coz each and everyone of them suffer from some sort of these fears/anxieties as BP, OCD, depressions, social anxieties, panic attacks, etc and everything in between. It runs in the family, peeps. ONly the degree varies. Plus it doesnt help that everyone is just naturally judgmental and condenscending towards each other. It is a very bad soup of mixed fear alphabets. A miracle perhaps is not too much to ask for?
Life used to feel alone sometimes battling this but ive learnt to not take it personally anymore and concentrate on my healing instead.
But like how life is, there are good days and bad days. You are sometimes so drained and can't feel any compassion left in your heart to deal with it. And some days when it hits you, you are already having a bad day and it can be very trying on your spirit. Some say you ought to remove yourself from the situation, distance, or disconnect. I have tried many times but being an only child to a single parent, it becomes tough to watch from a distance and not do anything.
You just have to tell yourself, its ok, you are human, there is only so much of crap you can handle.
But in quieter moments, you wish and pray the cycles will end somehow.
1 comment:
thank you so very much for posting this page. I too am an only child to a single bipolar parent. I feel deep sympathy and empathy toward you. Good advice. Keep praying. God bless
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