With Mother's Day a month away.. i again think of writing this as i usually do this time of year for many years now but never got down to it.
I am truly happy for all those who celebrate the miraculous gift of maternal love on this planet. You are truly blessed. There are mothers who are living examples of that amazingly wondrous selfless love who have inspired greatness in this world. Mothers are big hearted .. supportive, loving and loyal to their children. Even an animal is programmed by nature to nurture and protect. 'God decided to create mothers when he couldnt be everywhere everytime'. I salute that.
But then, in our zeal to celebrate this great blessing, we sometimes forget the 'less fortunate' among us. Not the handicapped or challenged or poor.. but the least fortunate among us the mother-loving who are 'cursed' with the 'bad karma'(it seems) of imperfect mothers..more like really bad mothers, cruel mothers, mothers who messed up your lives and denies it.. and mothers who throw away babies.. and those who exist in the cross sections. Yes, THAT now is the reality. When we are up there preaching and advocating the virtues of respecting and loving mothers.. let us not forget (sometimes in our self righteousness) that there are (unfortunate) people out there with valid reasons to 'hate' their mother as well. And that by not joining in the adoration, it doesnt make them lesser beings to those who do. Just as you celebrate, they are hurting as equally inside. I have yet to come across a true and honest admission from those who do belong in this discreet group of people... though they are many.. mainly because a fear of disapproval or being judged as an 'unforgiving, ungrateful child'. It can be a vicious circle.. to end up with an 'unloving mother'..and being tagged as 'unloving child' in return. I wish for this message to go out to those fortunate people who are so ready to judge.. to let it be. Unless you have not experienced a life bereft of a true mother's love, you will never know how it is... and pray that you never will.
In this unpleasant reality, i have decided to believe that no mother chooses to be a bad mother.. knowingly or unknowingly.. willingly or unwillingly.. they just are...sometimes so bad that your whole life will be a sad (cruel) twisted result of its devastatingly damaging effects. Bad mothers are just accidents (freaks) of nature.. at least that's the only reason to it that i can fathom...that i can take comfort in. Because i am one of the 'unfortunates' though i clearly believe i dont deserve it. In this case, extremely unfortunate because the problem is so deep yet so elusive.. a third person would never even realise it or want to as it would shatter all rosy notions and images of a child cuddled up in a mother's loving embrace.
A few years ago.. when actress Demi Moore was interviewed about her difficult relationship with her mother who is in self denial of her bipolar disorder.. hence creating havoc in her children's life.. I had a jolt of recognition. It sounded like she was me talking about my relationship with my mother. I recognised the sadness in her eyes as she spoke. It all came tumbling at me.. the irrationalities, the highs and lows, the fears, paranoias, attacks and defences.. the self abuse and abusive patterns. It is easier to identify physical abuse because the signs are evident but emotional abuse can be cruel and vicious, it is easier for an abuser to get away with it by lying or denying it or turning it back on the abused. Most abusers never admit it. Period.
From the day i learnt to differentiate what was wrong or right or what was the cause and effect..it was like someone switched on the spot lights one by one.. on a dark field where i had been blindingly groping along.. tired, confused, wounded and deeply hurting. Of course, i had been in another sort of self denial till then. The question i had always asked was..."what did i do to deserve this", "how can i make her happy", "why is it never enough" and finally i just gave up trying and that brought me to an rapid decline in self worth and love because i always thought to be a good child you must love your mother now matter what you get back..after isn't unconditional love a natural bond between a child and mother? Each time i felt i had failed to live up to expectation.. another part of me died.
I was 16 when i first realised.. that something was terribly wrong somewhere and i thought it was me and i went through that cruel pain of self chastisements for many years. I was subjected to repeated rejections (not good enough), isolation (from any moral support from others) and manipulations (of my feelings) and sabotage (when i did learn to fight). Even as i write, i am troubled if i use such strong words and there is a hopeless hope that i was wrong somewhere... that it was unintentional.. but then yes, that is how it was and is. Learning to accept the painful truth has been a gruelling process. I have thought about the reasons behind it.. the 'whys'..and if there is one that actually made a little sense.. this is it.. The Hurt Hurts. I dont know where the hurt began and there might not be a reason in this life.. but i know one thing and that is to make the hurt stop with me. I in turn, mustl not be those things to my child. And God as my witness, this is the internal battle that goes on in me every moment of wakeful state.. to unlearn all that i have unwittingly absorbed and sort them out categorically. To discard the bad and improve on the good. After nearly 4 decades of living a human existence, it is very hard to find a clear line between who you truly are and who you have become. You have to go deep within your heart and sometimes confront many fears that refuses to let go and sometimes accepts many things you can't change. Your limits.
In a period of 2 decades i had begun to acknowledge the fact, I went through it all.. the denial, the grief, the anger, the hatred, the rebellion, the regret, the sacrifice, the atonements, the acceptance and finally the acknowledgement that things are as they are. The tumultuous journey was great learning experience. I got to see the chequered parts of human mind and how fragile and complicted the human ego is inside no matter how 'strong' or 'normal' the personality seems outside. I am almost an expert at predicting human behaviours.. at least those i have lived with..of what pushed their buttons, of their next reactions, the attacks and defences. And if you looked closer, there is one major emotion most humans operate on.. fear which is survival.. and most of the time the way out of fear is love. Rest all is a jumbled states of affairs that repeats itself.
And so i had come to 'anticipate' a chain of events in the last few weeks that had finally proven itself. When the attack did come, it didnt surprise me but surprised me was, this time, it didn't take me down... and that is all that matters, I realise in the end. The actions may never cease in this life but i can stop reacting to it. That is my choice and my will.
I am reminded of someone who used to say.. unless a person lives your life, no one can truly understand what you have been through, and therefore have no right to judge and blame. At that time, i thought it sounded like an excuse to me. But then now it takes on a new meaning. Another person used to tell me, there is no right or wrong and you even read it in the Vedas which didnt make any sense, but then again.. who was that who said everyone and everything in life is a teacher. Yes, they are. And my greatest tests of endurance and strengths have been through the Lessons of (having) that Imperfect Mother.
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