Its a mad life..

Today, the new second day of the year.

Supposed to be a good day. But it's not. Im trying not to write this but i cant. My capacity to accept things and understand is only .. sadly...human. And this is my worst moment.

Im painfully reminded of the day i was compelled to leave my hometown 20 years. And why. It was not actually about going to a better school or a better life. I left to escape the madness..actually. The madness that lies like a fiery dragon beneath still, unclear waters of a personality.

I thought i escaped it onslaught for some years. Now its back, full blast.

The madness exist. As a person. Who tramples on other people's emotions without a care...and sadly without a clue. The madness that knows how to sink that sharp knife into your heart with just an expert's use of few words or no words at all. The madness that uses the disguise of 'love' to break you down into submission, guilt and the worst of all emotions. You lie squashed and you blame yourself for it.

How am i going to cope this time? I wish i could cope better. I wish i am a bit more mature to learn to forgive and forget. I wish i have to strength to see the goodness behind all this ugliness. Because i swear there is a good soul behind all this madness. But at times like this, it is easy to forget. I have my doubts. Ive reached again that bursting point and all i want to do is run away again.

But wait... i have to think. My life is heading towards sunset. But my child.. she is that bright morning sun rising over the horizon with the promise of bright future. Is she going to be absorbed into all this madness and is she going to develop all the personality disorders that i developed from this madness that eventually distant me away from society and threw me straight into hell? Am i going to let that history repeat in her? No, im not. Over my dead body. But how can I teach my child compassion and understanding for madness that seem to clutch her too? I have to if she is going to grow up to be a better person than me and have a happy life than seems to elude me.

I dont know why madness can exist in this world especially in the form of people you love or worst even as one's father or... sister or ...mother or someone dear. Rotten luck. There is nothing i can do to change that. Only learning to live with it or not.

The worst psychological torture here is not witness or experiencing the madness but not knowing why the madness is happening in the first place. No warning, no reasons. You just get up one real bad day and you see it is back, it is here again with all your worst nightmares.

And today the nightmare has been the worst. Let's hope tomorrow brings another new day