Whatever

I don't say 'whatever' with the same disdain of an 21st century American teenager, but in the same context of every Vedic book that describes life 'As it is'. What a revelation.

Perhaps it was my early childhood encounters with gurus and stuff that left the impression, or the family book shelves filled in between with many a Vedas based spiritual books, various Buddhist writings-Tibetan-Chinese, Lobsang Rampas, Eckankars, New Age and a bible or two.. i had my first flying dream at the age of 11 and wanted to join the monastery by 15. I still wonder whether it was all some really aunthentic spiritual experience of just a work of an overactive subconscious that paved away my path into the world of gurus and enlightenments.

Challenged by my early onset of other genetic and acquired tendencies, i was driven into the mysterious world of the unknown part of human existenc quite deeply. Maybe it was escapism and yet again maybe it is something close to my soul, I dont really know for sure. In 1998, a great turning point, i thought i had found my calling when i joined an organisation calling itself The Numan Foundation. It was a .. shall i say.. a very different experience from otherwise an uneventful life. It was surreal, the periods of new highs and lows but integrity was crucial for me at that point in my life and as it is, i moved on. Life had other plans for me. Life is a curious mix of simplicities and complexities. Its physical manifestation is a very delicate balance of choices and will. A split second decision and your whole future will be altered. But then again, perhaps that is how it was meant to be, or not and even that was meant to be ...or whatever. Strangely, for me, who had once thought that the weight of humanity was on me, it no longer mattered whether an asteroid was going to fry this planet and its occupants. No longer mattered whether this humanity was going to crumble under the weight of its own gravity and i dont mean the nature's pull to keep us rooted to the ground. Nothing mattered anymore because what that seemed actually suffers doesnt really suffer at all. Lets say you are drowning or you think you are drowning, you are chocking, in panic.. and the suddenly you wake up and you realise it is all a dream, would you want to get back into that dream??

Through the years, harden, rough edges around my being were slowly chiselled away by repeated erosions of the mind, pain being to most effective, to reveal a strength and clarity i never knew had been there. Sitting by that lake one evening last year, I had what Zen describes it as a satori just a week after New Earth webcast, Eckhart Tolle. That few minutes by the lake, was worth a million life times of misery. The incredulity of it all.. i had to smile. Wouldn't you if you realise one day, it was just all one of you acting all the characters in a play? In those few moments, it didnt really matter whether the story of my life meant anything, had a happy ending or not. It just didnt matter, because the other person, the other existence, every atom of it, was just all part of one. It was all one big joke.

Though it was not consciously, but my identification to pain and joy started slipping away. Whether winning a lottery or having a really bad day? Whatever! It was like a tie severed. Knots undone.

And i realised then, the answer to my question. I had always been angry, that if yes, there was a God or a soul or a meaning behind life, why then the need for it in the first place? It was simple. Life wanted to play. Simple as that. Just like a child who cant sit still in one place for too long. It was all a play.

What happens, how it happens, when it happens or why it happens was immaterial. It just happens as how it should or must or would or could or whatever. Amazing, a curious mix of choices, will, wants and surrenders. And a such a grand set-up and wonderful bursts of senses and perceptions. I thought I had better enjoy the good parts while I still can.

I didnt realise it immediately then but as life went back to it various manifestation and as i slipped back into my manifestation, i truly realised the changes that it had taken place within. Hurt no longer hurt as long as it did and peace is there within my reach with just a shift of thought. Had i become a master of mind? No, but it is a working progressive as this play is not over yet. On one side of the coin, it doesnt matter really, how it ended, but then again, on the other side of a coin, a life awaits.. a child, a parent, a lover, a lifestyle...and what needs to be done, has to be done and you do wish for a happy ending.

copyright reserved.