Decisions..decisions.

I'm torn. Between wanting to stay on in this little town that is safe and wanting to keep with life in the city before i am sorely left behind. 15 years in city life, i thought I had enough of its meaningless existence. Waking before dawn to rush in the traffic jam only to end up within 4 walls the rest of the day slogging for employers who are actually making millions out of the meagre sum they hand to you to hold their fort while they enjoying 5 star lives. Then after 10-12 hours, you rush home, only to find it is dark and there is nothing much left to do but go to sleep and start all over the next day. I hardly got to see my kid for 2 hour daily while i worked in KL.

7am i would rush her to the babysitter and rush to work on the other side of town, sometimes hardly leaving for lunch coz bosses love to choose lunch time and closing time to give you some urgent work especially if you are earning management salary and it is understood that you cannot say no.

By the time id finish will be earliest 7pm and during deadlines, i have even stayed till 2am going through last minute proofs and endless amendments from an old and cranky boss whose wife left him long time ago and now lives alone just to bother his employees. Even Saturdays and Sundays, you get office calls.. after some time, i just got fed up.

I didn't mind working for 1/3 of that pay tutoring kids in a small town for 4 hours each day and spend more time with my kid. But alas, small town living is basically just that.. you can hardly provide any other opportunities for a growing child who really deserves all the extra edge she can get in life. And then yourself... am i ready to grow old this way? I guess it would be ideal if you had a complete family with you. With your partner travelling the country all the time and you cooped up in a corner of the world, it is hardly a happy life.

I was talking to a retired aunt the other day, and something she said about having good people around you with good thoughts that really makes your life worth living for. I am accountable for my life. If i were to find myself in a negative situation, it is my responsibility to stop it or remove myself from it. If i can't stop it, i have to remove myself from it. But it means me making harder choices like going back to hectic city life and praying my kid wont get caught up in all the shockingly increased crime rates and political turmoils that is going on in this country.

But how to do I reconcile with negativity. Can i force myself to live in such conditions that i know will affect my kid like it did me? Would i put her in the same situation i fought to survive only to realise the falsehood of it? The delusions, the fears, the phobias.. the lies. I have been praying for an answer or a sign.. what will be my choice and i need to make a choice fast. God help me.