Toxic mother daughter relationship

Im about to write one of my sinking mood blogs but wit a hope. Im supposed to be grateful for good and bad in life. I need to make some sense of it first.

After 35 years of life, i still wonder sometimes why is it sometimes i feel my mother dissapproves of me so much? At one point i thought it was because i resembled my father and she hated him. At one point i thought maybe my birth was a stigma in her life. And as i kept making some life mistakes, i thought maybe it was justified she hated me. Whatever i did was wrong. When i did do the right things, they dont get acknowledged. In fact, the bad things are magnified a thousand time to overshadow the good ones. And even when im sick, i dont get a word of compassion. Instead its like, 'well, u have to suffer, u asked for it!".

But now as i became a mother myself, i just cant quite understand how a mother can hate her child so much for whatever reasons. How a lady with a beating heart in her chest who has so much concern for the rest of the world generate such disdain, disapproval and hurt for one of her own. I was perplexed. What could be the mechanism operating behind this? I know im alone in this issue as everything is carried out subtly and in the background, but a surf in the internet, i was surprised that again, im not alone with my problems. Im past the blaming stage, im past karmic repercussions, im past self sympathy. . I want answers... explanations... understanding. I searched on the internet and found like 1,170,000 search results. So im not alone. Its nice to know. I found some interesting findings that helps me to understand.

Many women have difficult relationships with their mothers and daughters, even when they want good relationships. A mother may wish her daughters happiness, yet - from the point of view of her daughter - she acts quite opposite. A mother may describe her daughter's choices as failures, criticizing hairstyle, college, clothes and friends. A mother may advise her daughter to be realistic by preparing for an unfulfilling life.

If a mother agrees with her own mother's opinion about her husband, mother may accept her daughter as an equal. A young daughter may believe the mother to be a victim of a "bad" father, and sympathize with mothers. An adult daughter may keep this belief though life, finding a partner who is like father, and treating him in much the same way as her mother treated her husband.

A daughter who sees this game may ask dangerous questions: is it possible that my father is OK? The more daughter expresses this new perception of father, the more criticized she is by mother.

Raising children exposes a parent's maturity - and immaturity. Mothers and daughters have problems relating to each other. Sometimes daughters may blame their mothers for their own life problems. But most mothers do not abandon, abuse or neglect their daughters; and most mothers do nurture and protect their daughters through childhood.

Happiness is a political issue in many families. An unhappy mother may unconsciously try to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or enmeshed daughter may unconsciously sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother.

Some mothers want and enjoy the responsibilities of motherhood. Others may radiate complaints, justifications and excuses, as they express their lost independence and suffering to whoever might listen. Their diminished responsibility may have heavy consequences for their children.

A mother may have unrealistic expectations:

My daughter is like me
My daughter will love me above all others
I can mold my daughter into an ideal woman
We can have the relationship that I always wanted with my own mother
When these hopes appear unattainable, the mother may feel desperate and angry, despairing that her dreams cannot be fulfilled. The daughter may feel rejected for who she is - and only acceptable if she repeats her mother's scripts

Some mothers try to relive their youth through their daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' friends. A mother may try to fill her daughter's life with her own unaccomplished goals, and may over-immerse herself into her daughter's life. A daughter may fight desperately to protect her own identity - or the daughter may identify with her mother.

Most daughters want a mother who will listen. They may want their mothers' approval but may not ask mother for approval. Daughters may want assurance that they are loved for who they are - not for who they may become. Mothers can find ways to affirm young women who are emerging from childhood.

Mother-daughter conflicts leave both women feeling lonely. This is a time for a mother to listen more than talk. Mother's experience is more easily accepted she will listen with compassion. A daughter who feels judged or "not good enough" may avoid asking for coaching and advice.

A daughter's young adulthood can be wonderful time for both. Childhood and adolescence are past. Daughters think they are adults and sometimes even behave like adults.

Some health problems associated with toxic mother-daughter relationships are: addictions, anorexia, anxiety, bipolar disorder, bulimia, delayed maturity, depression, infertility, miscarriages, obsessions, overweight, schizophrenia and suicide. Such daughters may also suffer:

Drug and alcohol abuse
Teenage pregnancy
Sexual dysfunction
Sexually transmitted diseases
Relationships with abusive men

Tips for Mothers
Accept your children as unique human beings

Avoid blaming your children if you have problems

Be aware of the passing years - let your children grow up

Do not expect your children to change for your comfort

Evaluate your desires and life goals apart from your children


http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/mother_daughter.htm